Archive | June, 2011

Dream 06/22/2011

23 Jun

I’m in a convenience store like Circle K and I’m sure that I need to run away but the moment I realize this my body goes completely limp. Other customers see this and point and say look at that. I catch the attention of one man, I can barely talk but I manage to mouth the words, “Escape. Please. Help.” He senses the fear in my eyes and picks me up but the moment he does, he starts to become weak. He can’t hold me anymore. Soon he reluctantly puts me down and collapses on a pile of light blue soft water pellet bags stacked in the corner next to the sports drinks. Now we are both stuck in the store but I have some power back now and I tell him he can’t do that again for his own safety. Just touching me will drain his power and he just looks at me like how the hell did that little tiny thing just drain me of everything I have. He was a big, strong man too. Like Paul Bunyan big.

I still need a way to get out of there and it doesn’t matter where to, so I ask some people to lift me into a grocery cart thinking I can roll myself away. Whatever. It doesn’t matter how. Three young men pick me up and put me into the cart kind of laughing and thinking crazy white girl, she’s not going to get very far in a grocery cart but whatever. I have the use of my legs now and ask them to put a floor mat under me so it won’t hurt so bad going over the bumps. I stick my legs out the front under the handle where it hinges for storage and start pumping Flintstone style. It’s surprisingly easy and I make quick progress down the hill away from the store and the farther I get from it the stronger I am.

Soon, I am in one of my flying dreams. Taking off the first time is always the hardest part and this one is a low flyer. I spend most of my time about 5 ft. from the ground but occasionally gain 15-20 ft. enough to fly over telephone poles and see owls perched on top of roof tops. Inside peoples’ houses. Flocks of birds I identify in the dream are startled and scatter on my approach. HUGE owls. Pruning, flying, hunting, sitting.

One flies into a house through a tiny porthole and I follow it. It perches on a ladies wardrobe – five rows deep and 8 ft. long. It’s like a mini department store. I want to look at the owl so I sort of lay my body down on top of own of the shelves and feel myself become awkwardly big, not that I was small before I just FEEL my size now and I feel way too big to be in the place I’m at. I look back at the portal we came through. Did I come through there? Now I am so big feeling that I fall off the shelf. The lady hears me and comes into the room. Is that you? She says, talking to the owl like a mother talks to her baby. Oh, how I’ve missed you. You were gone for so long this time. Where are you my sweet? Come to me so I can see you. And then she sees me and her voice turns mean and she says, YOU! So you want to see MY owl do you?

I am afraid of being caught by her and hide behind a curtain but it is no cover. Somehow I end up at my aunt’s house and she is chastising me for breaking into her friends homes to look at birds. At first I am submissive and bow my head a little to her and then I realize she is reading from a list of addresses that SHE gave me to BREAK INTO AND IDENTIFY BIRDS. So I say that to her and she gets this really proud look on her face and smiles and I say, You ENCOURAGED me to break into your friends houses to identify birds and now you are PUNISHING me for it!

The end.

Letter from the editor

20 Jun

Dear men in my life,

I recently ended communication with all of you to commit to one person. I have decided that one person is me.

Tower—this is One Niner-Seven-Three requesting the option.

I am requesting the option—the privilege—to find out more about you, explore your life, your interests, your values and allow you the privilege to explore mine too. I value you as a person. However, I will not commit to anything but me at this moment, my responsibility to be safe and treat others how they would like to be treated and this is totally fair and normal and healthy.
You value me because I am my own person, free-will intact, with an abundant life that I created for myself despite the obstacles we all face.

I spent the last ten years of my life with a man who almost made me believe that everything you find so endearing about me is bad, wrong and crazy. I’ve spent the last six months undergoing a major life change, the last four months in therapy two times a week and my entire conscious life in pursuit of self-awareness, knowledge and happiness. I would say I have been lucky to do so or that it is a luxury but the fact is I made it a priority in my life. I am grateful for the reality I created for myself.

I am not a psycho-path or a sex-addict. I am a woman who has been loved, honored, befriended, abused, controlled and driven to the brink of insanity by men who wish to impose their will on me for the last 38 years. No more. I am taking control of my life back.
I’ve struggled these last few years and made mistakes but I can’t regret it because it got me where I am today.

No matter how you may have known me in the past, today I am a mature woman with a secure sense of self who knows what she wants and constantly strives for personal growth. I am a confident individual capable of providing myself with everything that I require. I have a healthy appetite for food and sex and love and companionship in moderation and I embrace and adore these things about myself regardless of what you or god or society has to say about it. I am also human and fragile and require support from others at times. I am grateful to you for that.

You like these things about me, but can you accept me for who I am? You claim to have this modern view of a woman’s right to be exactly who she is and be with whomever she wants and then you try and claim me for yourself. Just stop. Stop trying to change me into something I’m not. That girl will make you want to run for your life. Stop trying to win me—win abundance in your own life. That is more attractive than anything to me. Be yourself. You are an amazing man just as you are. Be with me when we are and be happy alone when we aren’t. You like me best when I take care of me. I like you best when you do the same.

Respectfully,
Woman in your life

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