Tag Archives: fear

From the left seat I can see that you were right

11 Nov

I reside in heavens

when we fly it’s very clear

the bigger organism we

are apart of/from up

here/now vision clouded

with/by ether, our lives below

the bible thumping belt, so rare

did you think I wasn’t looking when you quietly ordered

yourself back into submission from the menu

or was that for those to whom you say life is good like comfort food for breakfast

on saturday just before noon in our pajamas with the radio playing/the smell of grease

and gasoline in your hair, citrus on the wind

real maple syrup and bacon/your favorite

race on television. We did things

on that leather couch that would embarrass the children if they existed

we spooned entire days into a bowling ball bag

you won/lost, as if we had nothing

more important to do than touch each other until we did

or maybe we only manufactured that/you

came down from your mountain-top to pull me up

and I was so grateful I gave you things

to desire instead

of me/but when I called down to you from mine

you couldn’t hear me any more

than when I used to tell you

I had a dream

in the night/you reached

out for me from your

fear of light/sleepers

women pilots

weak people

distrust

and we would fly

blindly, madly

in love with passenger seats, advanced

stall warning recovery

whether predictions

down-shifting, flights planned

restricted/visual ceiling fan rules

taking precedence under the covers

your feet my pedals

clutching, crabbing

our forte

negative g-forced

free fall

Observation #365,012

29 Oct

When you have bars on the windows of your house you tend to get used to them, but it scares other people away.

Sending a mixed message

And that’s the idea right? To protect yourself and what’s inside from what is outside.

If you’ve been living with them for any length of time, you probably don’t even see them anymore. Most of the time you just look right through them, especially when you are looking out on a beautiful landscape. And if you want to take a picture you only have to maneuver slightly so that the rest of the world doesn’t know you’re looking out from behind them.

But people who have never been to your house before will notice. In fact, it may be the first thing they see. They might wonder why and sometimes even ask but usually it just causes a general feeling of fear that they will not address and you won’t realize you should.

I have bars on the windows of the house where I live, but I didn’t put them there. I tell people it’s okay. It’s just so the monkeys can’t get in during the night because we sleep with the windows open. I tell them they won’t even notice after a few days. But I know it’s not for the monkeys, and so do they.

I tell myself it’s okay because they’re the kind that are slender and ornate and match the trim around the windows. And in reality, if someone really wanted to get in they could. They would just have to try a bit harder. And bring some tools.

They’re not the kind that block huge swaths of reality from view. And if they were to be removed, I don’t think it would leave much permanent damage. Just a little fading like when a picture has been hanging in the same spot on the wall for a while.

There are people who need these bars; who like them and think that every house should have them. That you’re asking for big trouble if you don’t have them.

There are people who have been hurt so many times they can’t imagine living in a house without bars on the windows.

But I’m not one of those people. This is not my house. I just live in it. Still, I’m strangely comforted by the bars. I wouldn’t have them removed. I understand about the monkeys and the other things that can come in the night while we sleep. I’ve seen some things would scare some people into living willingly behind bars. But I’m not one of them. Like I said, I just live here. If it was my house I wouldn’t have put them up to begin with, but since they’re here you know, might as well make the best of it.

Have a great week,
The Observer

Remember

27 Oct

Remember

Way back then

when I dipped my

big toe in the chocolate

fondue pot and it was all

feng shui in the house we built

around love but I got squirmy ‘cause

it felt too good like that day you tried to

eat it all the way home little piggy style so I got

us a school girl giggle with misspelling who loved cupcakes

even when the jump rope tied to your leg

rendered it inoperable, sooner or now and later

we were tired of wrestling as the floor arched

golden between 67 and 73 was about as high

as we could get before the cavities, after

shots shocked chock-full of cancer

or was it the twins who had

to come to my own conclusions

about whether or not we’d have

room for a view

if we said?

I do.

Chapter 3 – What Have I

14 Sep

What have I lost

I never had

Past the point of consideration

Auna Joy was born today

February 14, 1995

Baby girl

Your mom was swollen with you

Once

And you never even opened up

Your eyes for us – not

Once!

I watched you making faces

With your mother’s mouth

As she slept I watched her

Do the same

Your teenage uncle held you in

His hands afraid to hold you

I was too, but when you rested

In my arms at last I felt

A miracle like you could happen

Only once

Chapter 2 – Ill

8 Aug

My heart is ill

With fever

Smoke clouds my eyes

I fear forever

My mind aches

With reason and decision

Thought brings me

No nearer to consolation

Or destination

My toes drown

In frozen fear

Breaking at the joints

Swimming restlessly

In my black shoes

Haunting you are

He is

Experience teaches me only

The need to learn more

Where is the cloud

On my sun-shiny day

How long must I search

To find my way

Back to your heart

And to stay

Chapter 2 – Understanding

27 Jul

Snake drawing

Nympho scrawling

Sin sharing

Name dropping

Skin shedding

Laughing

Snorting

Given warnings

Lead pipes

Heavy lungs

Someone sits

Barstool breaks

Glass splinters

Bare feet

Come with me

To eternity

Where all is known

And nothing

Gets mentioned

Where lovers hide

And children play

And it rains

And it cleanses

The bad things away

Until no one is laughing

Until there is

No more

Chapter 2 – The Problem with Water

16 Jul

Feels like a slow motion picture show

Carries its cargo like tracks with no train

Current electricity flowing through veins

Blue bridges calming the damned

Caresses as a lover’s touch

Wraps us in mother’s blankets

Cradles our swollen limbs

Whispers of treachery

Comes and goes without warning

Disappearing on the hot days

Abusing its welcome in winter

Flows slow to the end of the road

Only to follow us back again

Wrinkles flesh

Makes me drowsy

The problem with water

Is everywhere

It covers me some days like a rush

Of fresh warm air and other days

Like another woman’s stare

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